Confession of husband....

we have been married for more than 5 years. thru all these times i have deluded myself into thinking everything will be better as when i was till alone. like any other normal natured man, i was hoping that somebody else will know who i am and to have someone together to get what we can out of life. many will inform the first part of marriage would always be the sweetest or greatest part of marriage for that matter. yes it was to compare for the rest of my experience. even from the start i have felt this uncanny sense that something was not right or not true with what i was being made to beleive that other person was feeling. in those days i have completely and utterly loved my wife. and to this day i still do and this is why i write as my only outlet to what is already slowly killing me inside.



however, there was already a very large signs showing me what days are to come. few years of marriage i can say i have did all the wife said. she will argue its not true. i have decent earnings enough for a normal family. she would want some things or requests and i did when i have what i can besides from paying the bills. i have blindly followed hoping she would grow out of it or realize in time. i dont know what happen why until now it seems i am still on the same situation. i work hard to make ends meet to the lifestyle and situation i am in now. during all those years i have tried to be responsible. i have sacrifieced secretly most of the time. saving money always in my mind the future of the family first. thru the years i was always thinking for the benefit and for the coming days and years ahead. this payed off several times. wife got hospitalized several times for different reasons and i was able to sustain without asking anybody for help. however, thru all this i feel my wife expect it from me that i must have the resource. thru all this, i did not hear a single thank you that thru the time we fight because of how i save for the future and not buy things she wants , i was able to provide for her in time of needs (for the rainy days). i chose to work to provide for the family even if i am not doing want i want to do with my life.



there are alot of times i have tried to get thru to my wife. in bed together we hold each other. i thaught we are sharing something special as i was sharing my thoughts to here. my dreams for the family the reasons i have and explain to her what we have to do in this world so we will have a netter life together. those times and words had passed and forgotten.



many more clues and signs were shown to me but was blinded by love then. recently we had a fight. i argue she spent most of her waking hours on the internet and communicating with friends. when i confront her it seems i was the one who should be guilty and not her. i ask myself why i was angry and try to get the reason when i am with myself:

-i was angry becsaue i worked 5 days a week and more to show i am doing my bet to provde for the family and i did expect that she is doing her best to be a wife. she chose to be a wife and i respect her and is sensitive on topics for pushing her to work.

-i was angry because when i get most of the time no food was prepaired. if there was it was prepaired in a manner as if i am not expected to be home.

-iwas angry because she buys food in the groceries only to see it wasting away and have to throw it.

-i was angry becsuae she does not know how to clean up her own mess. clothes and her thing thrown around the house.

-i was angry because she make herself pretty for her friends but not for me

-i was angry becaus she would dress with pants showing her backside panties or shirts so small showing her belly or bursting front. make it worst is she knows it and it seems she will try her best to cover up but to no avail. why need to dress that way and if i ask we argue.

-i was angry because i will see her working her ass off during the night or when i am in the house and when i am out is on the internet.

-i was angry because she will sleep until 11 or 12 or even past midnight just to chat. even if she already went thru alot medically and thru the years adviced her to sleep early and wake up early.

-i was angry because she knows more about her friends and thier lives than what is happening with me and our lives.

-i was angry because she asked for space. i am sleeping on the coach and nobody knows about it.

-i was angry because when i ask her how she spent the day to make her realize, she will actually get irritated and ask why i need to ask

-i was angry because she has not been a good wife to me

-i was angry because there was a time i gave up alot of things for her and able to give up everyhting but i was alone on this endeavor

-i was angry because when i am sick i was not comforted

-i was angry because i need to beg for a kiss or to

-i was angry because i could not do anything but write this

-i was angry because i am doing my best to be a better man that my unborn kid\kids will look up to and i am th only one who can see this

-i was angry because i still cannot let go



i was angry but tomorrow is still coming